I wake up in the morning, to find myself trapped in a state of delusion of being alone. I refuse to acknowledge my reflection in the mirror. I feel as if no one exists around me. It is just me alone, wandering in pursuit of something that can get me out of this delusional belief. I carry on with my life, day by day, doing what is normal, yet it doesn’t feel right. I meet and talk to people throughout the day, but my search continues.
Life wasn’t this difficult. It had meaning and purpose. I had all the reasons to feel alive. I had a lot to do that made me happy and move on to better things. Work, love, family, all these kept me going. I felt I had everything I could possibly ask for.
Life isn’t the same anymore. I have lost the most precious person in my life forever. I don’t want to mourn for the rest of my life. Remembering the good times is a better thing to do. But the emptiness in my heart becomes unbearable. My son is very young to understand my feelings. Some people have tried to reason with me over my situation, but they have never understood me. Some have tried to come back in my life, but I asked them to stay away. Some have come in my life and made it so much better, but I pushed them away.
And this is how it goes. I have everyone around me but no one with me. My tears help me feel I am not alone, they are my loyal friends. Insomnia has kicked in again, leading to overthinking. Thoughts and memories run past my mind, making it even more difficult. Is it because I over-love? Is it because I am too attached to them? But then how do you detach yourself from those that you love the most? How can one get rid of the past that has laid the foundation of the present, which in turn is going to shape up the future?
Memories never die, they live forever. And that is why I often talk to myself. My words help me in the pursuit of happiness. It’s better to be lonely alone than lonely in a crowd.
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